27 February 2006

Benzodiazepine Diary

Upon expiration
Heaven forbid I should have
Any unexpressed thoughts
Or unrealized ideas remaining

There will be many dormant
And unrealized ideas left
Especially those schemes
For big bucks quick and plentiful

My reality in actuality
Revolves around hiding
Behind latent thoughts and
Layers of "protective matter"

I tell the children that
The monsters are pretend
Just stories designed to
Keep them in check and fear

But the monsters in your soul
Exist only to kill you and yours
Rape your spirit and dignity
Boots on throats laughter abundant

Love is torture
God is fiction
Governments are false
Family is dysfunction
Law is interpretive
But integrity is unyielding

Yet for brief and calculated moments
We can capture our selves for what they are
Live for situations great and fleeting
And etch memories into the granite of our brains

Site: Unbuilding Facelifts

26 February 2006

25 February 2006

Day Old Pumpkin

Between Now and Then and Soon

Once the observer
The intellect
The cynic

Then the pied piper
The hub
The truth

Then the star
The man
The king

Then the great
The stable
The rock

Now the enigma
The prophet
The philosopher

Soon the old
The vulnerable
The dead

Expectation Management

Aspirations set unattainably high
Creation of misery artificial and derived
Where in all obviousness there is
only abundance and relative joy

Do we have to settle
When there just has to be more
Or at least perspectives
that allow acceptance
of self and others (and self again)

Only when inner peace
is actualized perhaps
Will there be real life - living
Or then do we die eternal

Nirvana, first or all
is not a kind of Being
Bliss consists in the cessation
of all thought

In this phenomenal world
Everything is changing
To dwell on truths
A blessing that would be

["Wonderful World Beautiful People" by Jimmy Cliff
in the background, from the "Reggae Spectacular" album, 1988]

24 February 2006

Front: Part 5

The Drug Poem

Drugs, drugs, drugs. I love drugs.

Big drugs, little drugs.
Drugs that make you sleep.
Fat drugs, thin drugs.
Drugs easy to peak.

I love drugs you smoke.
I love drugs you pop.
I love drugs that make you high.
But not to high to stop.

I love tiny pills.
And, syringes filled with bliss.
I love all the ecstasy.
And, all the girls you kiss.

I love drugs you snort.
And, drugs you smoke and pass.
I love all the little drugs.
That help you get some ass.

Drugs, drugs, drugs. I love drugs.

23 February 2006

Poems for Ass

The art of taking it all
and the California fantasy
of my childhood

Only reflection points
life history questionnaires
in mid life therapy

Oh yeah, that was me
but it was you and you too
thanks to magic boxes

Sprinting and limping
to unimaginable finish lines
and other poetic devices

In order to fulfill labels
genius tag way too early
and battles raging

Pushing up hills
while sliding down
productivity's inner turmoil

But realizations known
that it will all be OK
as planned all along

22 February 2006

Buried: Part 4

Effect Without Cause

Topiary at night-time
Looks like beautiful Rubenesque women
The familiar hourglass-shaped figures
All alluring curves and crevasses
Congregating on my neighbor's lawn

But it's only bushes on my block
Effect without cause - illusion
The brain follows its own path
Enough to make me pause
When fantasy is all I have left


21 February 2006

Story: Part 3


when i die i die
certain guarantee

feeble elderly
something i don't want to be
the mark and target

so, the solution:
live it up my young comrades
time ain't no damn joke

20 February 2006

18 February 2006

Please Leave A Message

Late night messages to machines as
Considerations in no way cease
Funny or tragic are constant cognitions
Of opportunity and vulnerabilities (un)known

As custodian of the surreptitious
Recipient of thought architecture revealed
Veneer to be stripped and discarded
Plans can be foiled

A brisk swim in the evening
Drinks tropical and romantic
Thoughts returning to - da capo - again

Rested Relaxed Good
Realization of what really matters
"Make yourself happy" the voices say
But this is our only life to fuck up

Work overrated unless that is passion
Tired of caring about it - so there!
But when eyes close [sigh] we see it anew
And it beats typing while drunk

17 February 2006

In Plain View

Oh, magnificent elation!
Whirlpools insanity state of affairs
Illogically restrained passions

Testing and exploring
Seeking and kneading
Frightened of inevitabilities

Trembling hands on missions
Reconnaissance before encounter
Pushing nearer and pushing farther

Eyes infiltrating conscience
Psyche and imagination peaked

Accidentally intentionally
Calamity misdirected for need
Stillness for peace and comfort

Truth or chance?
Control remains capricious
If not despised

For now however
Beginnings as new worlds
Again we will see tomorrow

16 February 2006

In the Air

The Bending of Steel with the Powers of My Mind

When reconciling what and whom to be, sometimes
When a commonplace existence has long been ruled unacceptable
Values representative of a "flowering of life"
without the conventions of restrictive paradigms endemic to our culture
-- We must force ourselves to embrace our whole(s), regardless

For moments (at least) we can see ourselves
Not as what we believe others do
We may forgive ourselves, damaged and vulnerable
Shame is as contrived as salvation
Stability and harmony makes a warmer home
than one of boredom and panic


Believe - Together #2

Erroneous to confuse neediness and yearning
as proxy for personal deficiency

Grandest strengths are the embrace
of high-threshold weaknesses within mind and body

An identity built upon constant self-analysis
and instant reinterpretation

Like white blood cells hunting for
and attacking infection possibilities

I walk sprite with knowledge and
the weightlessness of truths

Uncentered dispersions simmer but rarely boil
leisurely cognitions reflective of time wasted

Everything I touch with passion and interest
is poignant, significant, and essential


[motivated by achievement and power with little regard for affinity; that's what the tests say]

15 February 2006


A full moon too beautiful
to photograph or paint
A perfection fear
And shots of top-shelf vodka

It's Valentine's Day
Aphorism by definition
The loved and the loveless

Suggestions of druggy sex
or sexy drugs

Friends, Believers, and Shakers
At what point does it all
become too fucking much?
Paid, closed, and never late

It is time to confront our truths

14 February 2006

MT Art

like minds empty hearts
reserve spaces forbidden

13 February 2006

Part 2

For the Love of Me

A luxury perhaps reserved for a fortunate few
With crises and instability; world on precipice
Of human-initiated implosions – necessity of love is questioned

A necessity perhaps lost on the unenlightened masses
With savage characteristics dominant in our cognitive capacity
Filling otherwise necessary spaces, love is our only comfort


There is a distinct difficulty I have describing how I feel anymore. Not what I am feeling about something, but actually how I feel – about myself. The generalizations no longer suffice and the specifications are often frightening to self and definitely to others. When description is misinterpreted as manifesto, at best, and as some sort of suicidally ambiguous cry-for-help, at worst, words have to be chosen with great care. Paradoxically, I’d hate for someone to offer conclusion to the tightfisted clues provided. It would be taken as an insult to intelligence (the construct).

The obvious problem with choosing one’s words in an overtly rigorous fashion, then, is the threat of beating of authenticity into script. Cliché is too alluring a trap for even the most cynical and creative. When your world is built upon several well-honed devices, breaking free is difficult. But, when the world you’ve built is also your only remaining citadel, the walls are often thick and old. Mother wolverines are less ferocious protectors of their kits.

Herein lies the problem. Feelings are extraordinarily complicated – complex even. Written description and analyses – unless you are both deeply intuitive and are a terrific writer – may remain an elusive impossibility for most of us. Analysis becomes not only ambitious, but also exponentially more difficult to confront head on.

So, what am I feeling? If I close my eyes and concentrate, I understand that I am tired; deeply weary. I long to sit still and alone and listen to my brain and body; to slowly discover what benefits solitude may present. Unfortunately, and at present, I believe that solitude may prove addictive, with the ending of a temporary seclusion resulting in a depression inducing wanting.

Needy? Sure, I’ll say that I am needy. It’s the same needs we all have in varying proportions and incarnations historically. We all have our needs, yeah? Particular needs range from a need for someone to wrap us up like tiny puppies and keep us warm and safe – to someone generously serving as our personal playgrounds. Balance, I’m guessing, is key but human needs ignored are akin to landmines: be careful where you step.

But, back to how I am feeling. I don’t know. Pensive? Cliché. Riddled with angst? Too dramatic, really. Unsatisfied? Closer. It’s almost a feeling of nearing self-actualization but not being able to catch up to it…yet. Being the greyhound chasing the racetrack “rabbit” is frustrating. Maybe its feeling as if you are the collective pieces of a jigsaw puzzle – all the pieces are there – but remaining fully unsolved isn’t the primary objective (maybe this condition exists because of an insane level of self-selected difficulty). Mime in an imaginary bubble? That’s just stupid. I don’t know. But, it’s interesting. We are close, just not there yet.

Obviously there is desire and the desire to taste the fruits of forbidden concupiscence. This, clearly, is undeniable and possibly an instrumental factor in the funk of present. Wrapped into these lust fantasies is a rigid belief that pursuit is not only deserved, but is morally consistent with homily of integrity. Paradoxes of ironies.

Taken together, conditions summed is like a gauntlet thrown at the feet of one’s belief structure and sense of self-defined superiority. Challenges! I’ve lived a life of accepting and defeating challenges without fear or remorse. Never is a winning streak guaranteed though. Probability, in fact, insists that winning as an absolute, is impossible. We are all subject to rule, whim, and sadism of our existence’s chaos. Science and dogma be damned.

10 February 2006

There is a story here...

Someday, I'll tell it...

Adroitly developed skills of careful avoidance
Perception management -- theater for unheard of eyes
Encounters formal as courtship rituals of days long past
Choreographed slinking through fissures and back alleys

For moments worthwhile to simply sit and take pleasures
Sharing time as it flows away downstream rapidly
Watching shadow and light dance across your striking form
A hunger to touch -- a yearning to know -- a pining to breathe

As frustrations with self and circumstance mount
As the cosmos conspire to thwart at every juncture
Acrimony battles hopefulness in ugly death bouts
While I anxiously wait outcomes from remote bunkers

The more nothing changes everything changes nothing
Rare prospects for union and tranquility
Continues to lure like siren songs -- rocks fatally jagged
Self-actualization as despairing as euphoric sometimes

Resolutions for optimism remains
As long as there is laughterto eke
Proving ourselves stronger than
Subordinates prove themselves meek

08 February 2006


Fancy fah moo-y mah
Silly observations for things
Larger than realty

Moo-y mah fancy fah
Making system from parts
Scattered far, wide, and beyond comprehension

Fancy mah, moo-y fah
When correctly the numbers
Sum oddly and counter-intuitively

Moo-y fah fancy mah
Losers win -- when looser
Then our super twin

Choosing Skin

Choosing your love is akin to choosing your skin
What we get is beyond any control
We awake one day as a girl
Or with six fingers
Or speaking Chinese

Just as our biochemical arousal response(s)
Is geared toward a (serious) complex matrix
of predetermined menu items
And hierarchy of proven or known likes

We continually injure and insult
As we fight urge and need

Rings & Things

Marital pairings
Markings of propriety
Weddings like welding


So savagely distressing
Or, in so cases, distressingly savage
As partisan pro-love as pro-liberty
Astonishingly aware
but so fucking without clue

Forcing or waiting
For eras anew (again)
And hints of omens of signals of signs, sigh
A king's ransom for the arrest and conviction
of genuine feelings on all of this

Shifts subtle shifts seismic
We search our attics
When we believe we've lost our heads
Nudging but fixed to rails like the trains
We know our destinations

As we grow weary
When the darkness again arrives
Optimism evolves past distant theories
And there lies some comfort - it is believe
The things of which we convince ourselves

07 February 2006

The Pissing Haiku

Pissing on oneself
Little hints of control lapse
No embarrassment

06 February 2006


- 1983

Pencil Scratching Preferable

Rose colored lenses
Trojan horse of teddy bears
Ferocious monsters

05 February 2006

04 February 2006

The Seven Maybes and the God Awful Truth

Maybe I brought it all on myself
Maybe I offended someone's "god"
Maybe I fucked someone over in a past life
Maybe I am an asshole
Maybe I clueless
Maybe I am not as smart as I thought
Maybe I am in purgatory

Naw, some shit just happens
It'll all be alright, as always
Turn down the noise and what have you?
Bliss, just fucking bliss

Who am I to complain?
It'll all be alright, as always
I'm just way too accustomed getting my way
No time for patience

Storied and legendary
It'll all be alright, as always
Bar set way too high for self and them
Head full of thoughts

03 February 2006

Creepy Old Fat Ass

Washed up
Nowhere to go
Dying an obese, sedentary death
Out of breath and time

Or not

Beginning of the beginning
Everything mine for the taking
Living high and mighty as usual
In tune with heaven and hell

God damn!

Come along and join
Or watch from sideline benches
Adventures are the makings of life
The ride gets better all the time

It's so good to be royalty

01 February 2006

Bad Motherfucker

I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee.

I'm a bad motherfucker who lives it everyday.

I'm a bad motherfucker, oh yes I am you mothers, come on.

Stupid ass sucker such a bad motherfucker.

You little bad motherfucker, go on and hit the dank. That's how it is in the Oaktown.

That's my bad motherfucker!

I'm a bad motherfucker and you know this, but the pussy ass niggaz don't show this.

You a bad motherfucker? Yeah, hell yeah.

I'm a bad motherfucker and my bullet's gonna find you out.

You're a bad motherfucker if you dare to compete.

I'm a bad motherfucker with a bad rep I got a trophy in my mouth for every bitch I killed.

See I'm a bad motherfucker if ya' ain't never seen it.

Lil' bad motherfucker with a pocket full of rocks.

Can you tell me who the bad motherfucker now?

I'm a bad motherfucker ya' gonna wish you would.

Cause I'm a bad motherfucker - rhymes so swift, parallel to no other.

Little bad motherfucker runnin' wild through the town.

Cause I'm a bad motherfucker, selfish and sick.

I was a bad motherfucker, slightly retarded mentally institutionalized, since the '85.

That's a bad motherfucker all I know he's about to drop some shit now.

'Cuz I'm a bad motherfucker and you're a long way from home.

With Eyes Open

My friend Lee was shot in the torso once
He said it hurt a whole lot
And the fear was even worse
Than the actual pain

The point is there is pain
And there is suffering
But it’s the fear that is killer
So fucking what, right?

With history unblemished
To a large degree
And integrity intact
Confidently I move forward

With less regard than ever
For rules or constructs
Created as shortcuts
For the dim or very lazy

Advice neither offered nor hinted
On career, life, or circumstance
Sometimes leading is best accomplished
With mouths closed


Expectations and pressures
Heaved upon self and often others
Deadlines artificial and arbitrary

Motivation for productivity
Productivity for fulfillment
Fulfillment for life

Resting queued for death
In the interim the pushing
Until exhaustion and bliss

Chasing Down Desire

"...getting turned on was never a problem for me. I liked chasing down desire, and I had endless fun with the buildup to sex. It was the idea of someone wanting me that I found irresistibly hot, the tension of the moment right before. It was teetering on the precipice of ultimate untimacy with another person: the smell of his excitement, imagining what it would feel like to surprise him with a kiss, to lean over his body, to press my own against his, to feel the heat of that first physical connection..."

- Heidi Raykeil